it's usually never as bad as I think it's going to be

April has been such an off month for me on so many levels.  My main computer is seriously acting up and isn't saving any documents.  So, in order to update my spending/budget spreadsheets I have to go use the basement computer which is s....l....o....w....e....r.... than Christmas.  My spending this month has been much like my eating.  I'm trying to keep all in moderation, but really couldn't tell you how many dollars I'm spending or how many calories I'm eating.

One of the things I didn't do this month is get cash out of the bank at the beginning of April to put in our envelopes.  I like to spend cash on things like groceries, eating out, my fun money, entertainment, etc.  Things that if not watched closely, could quickly get out of hand and add up.

This has been in the back, front and all over my mind for the entire month.  Yes, I know I'm in total control of this situation, but I keep wanting it just to go away.  To turn the calendar over to May and to start fresh.  Since I haven't been using cash, I've been putting everything on my American Express card (to be paid off at the end of the month).  Well, last night I had a "nightmare".  The American Express bill came and it was, to be perfectly honest, more than $10,000.  In my dream my stomach was in knots.  How could I let this happen?  I'd assured my husband that I wouldn't need to ask for any money to be transferred from savings to checking in order to pay for day-to-day expenses.  I'd given him my word that what was in savings would go (100%) towards meeting our financial goals...not towards pizza delivery!  And not only did the American Express bill come with a $10,000 balance, but also we received our electric bill and it had a $900 balance!  Ugggg....what a way to spend a night's sleep!

Well....it's past lunch now and I just sat down to the computer to look at the real life damage at American Express.  And what a relief!  I don't have an outstanding balance of $10,000!!  In fact, it's not even close.  To be perfectly honest, (eyeballing it...) it looks like we have been spending just slightly more than what we would if we were on the cash-system this month.    So, while I'm thankful that it's not as bad as it was in my dream, it makes me realize that when I let up from monitoring our spending, I worry about it.  I worry about it big time.  I'm thankful also that in less than a week I'll be able to turn the calendar over to May and start the month with my cash and a "clean slate".